A Woman Literally Attacked Me!
Oh Calgary...
A woman attacked me while trying to get into my apartment building today afternoon (8/26)! I first saw her on the other side of the street before I crossed to get to my apartment building. As I passed by her I got the sense that there was something off about her - maybe she was drunk, or she was hungover, or she was used to doing drugs. She moved like she was glitching. But I didn’t suspect her of anything - I get that feeling multiple times a day walking through downtown.
Then when I reached my front door, I felt someone behind me and assumed that it was a neighbour. I unlocked the door and opened it, stepped in, and then turned around to hold the door open for the person behind. Lo and behold, guess who it was! It was the woman who I had passed earlier. She had big Lady Gaga glasses on, tanned skin, black hair with purple/blue highlights, short shorts, and held a red iPod nano and a purse. She was a few inches shorter than me and slim.
Because she struck me as someone strange, I wanted to verify that she lived in the building. So I asked her if she had her key. She said “what” in response, but with an attitude. I then asked her if she lived here. She looked at me with a look of derision - she was annoyed and in disbelief that I would dare ask her. And of course, I was quite afraid of incorrectly accusing someone of not living here. Then she tried to push forward past me and get in, but I didn’t let her by standing in front of her. That upset her.
She shoved me back by pushing my my right chest and then started swearing (“what the fuck man!” etc etc). I was so shocked that someone would do such a thing! I tried to push her back out, but she backed herself out. I tried to close the door which she was holding open. She then moved away shoved it shut quite loudly. I was staring at her through the glass door while she walked down the stairs. She saw me and then spat her gum at me, but she missed and it landed on the ground outside the door. I then let my landlord know what happened because the glass in the door might’ve cracked or shattered.
Reflection
Fortunately I wasn’t hurt. And fortunately, I don’t think she lived in my building. But I’m still shocked that it happened - about three specific things. First was that she tried to pretend that she lived here by following me in. Second was her outraged, profanity-laced attitude. Third was that she shoved me. Let’s go through them all.
First, she tried to follow me in. I have mad respect for James Bond when he pretends to be a worker bee to get into the antagonist’s lair. But this woman was no protagonist. She pretended to be someone who lived here when she did not in fact live here. She tried to take advantage of the trust that exists between neighbors to get inside the building.
What can I conclude from this? Well, in my situation, there were two bad outcomes possible. One was that she could have been someone who did in fact live in the building, and I would have offended her by asking her to show proof (a front door key) that she lived here. The second bad outcome was the one that I prevented - a stranger entering the building, opening doors, stealing stuff, and/or going into an empty room to do drugs, poop in the laundry machine, etc.
Yesterday, I would have certainly been offended if someone asked me to show them my key if I was standing behind them, though I would’ve understood and would have done it anyways. That has now changed. In the trade-off between hurt feelings and strangers in buildings, I’d rather choose the hurt feelings. This is because hurt feelings can be mended later, and can even be the gateway to a trusting relationship. But a stranger inside the building? Nope. Someone could have left their door open, and the she would’ve gotten in. That’s much more perturbing than the possibility of offending someone.
So what does this change?
For one, I want to meet all of my neighbors. I live in a small building, so this should be pretty easy to accomplish. I’ll host a barbecue. This is a good idea because trust between neighbors makes everyone happier, and safer too! If you know that the people around you have your back, then they’ll be more likely to want to help you when, say, someone’s trying to rob you and they hear a commotion.
Two, when I enter the building with someone behind me, I will ask to see their key if I don’t recognize them. If they can’t show me their key, then I enter without letting them in, feelings be damned. And I won’t hesitate to block someone either anymore, because I know now that I’d rather risk hurt feelings than a stranger in the building.
Three, when I want to enter the building but someone is in front of me, I’ll either show them my key, or I’ll stay 5 steps away so that they can get in and close the door with peace–of–mind.
Four, if I haven’t had a conversation with a neighbor then I don’t let them in. I let someone in earlier today because I recognized her with a neighbor, but I now think that was the incorrect decision. The neighbor may not have wanted to see her any more, and I would have made his life harder by letting her in.
Second was her profanity-laced, outraged attitude. This is a problem that I’ve had with many people. There’s a class of sentences out there that are not meant for empathy, analysis, and response. They usually have insults in them, like “you’re full of shit” or “what the fuck are you doing.” In movies, they usually happen right before a fight. The problem is that when I hear these sentences, I think of them as genuine sentences! For example, I think of reasons why I am not in fact full of shit. But that’s not the right response. Responding with a similarly emotionally-charged sentence would accomplish nothing (would it?). So I don’t know how to respond to it.
Third, and most shockingly, was that she shoved me! Granted, she wasn’t very strong, and I am, but she still moved to make it physical! I guess I’m in part offended because I didn’t come across as threatening enough to dissuade her from being physical. I’m in part ashamed because I didn’t speak authoritatively when I suggested that she couldn’t come in. And I was so annoyed that I froze on the spot. I didn’t know intuitively how much force I should use in response (my ideal is to use “minimal necessary force”, but what exactly is that in this situation?!), and when I did respond, I just tried to push her (which I think I missed) instead of wrist locking her or holding her wrist or literally anything I was taught in jiu jitsu. In sum, I was in disbelief that someone had used force against me.
Lots of things to ponder and to get clear on then! But it was very unfortunate that this happened at all.